Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Sophie

I "did a Bock" today, i.e I went to bed for a short nap after work and woke up seven hours later.

I must have been dreaming about Sophie Tucker or Bette Midler, because when I woke up my mind was filled with Ernie-jokes. (Sophies jokes were for a while picked up by Bette, which is where I first heard them.)

Sophie Tucker, was a celebrated American comedian during the early parts of the 20th century. She used to tell jokes about her boyfriend Ernie.

These are some of my favorite boyfriend Ernie-jokes.
"I will never forget it you know? I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me "Soph ... he always calls me "Soph"... you got no tits and a tight box". I said to him "Ernie get off my back."
"I will never forget it you know? M'girlfriend Clementine is a dirty old broad. We were hanging out laundry the other day and she said to me "Soph, how come you're never caught in the rain when you hang your laundry." I told her "My dear Clementine, every morning I pull back the sheets and look at my boyfriend Ernie. If it's laying on the left it's gonna rain. If it's laying on the right it's gonna be a sun shiny day." Clementine said "Well what if it's sticking straight up?". I told her "Well who the hell wants to laundry on a day like that?!!"
"I will never forget it you know? It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth birthday and in honor of the occasion he married a twenty year old girl. And he rang me up the very next day and he said to me "Soph, Soph (he always calls me Soph),  I have just married myself a twenty year old girl, what do you think of that". And I said to him "Ernie when I am eighty years old I shall marry myself a twenty year old boy, and let me tell you something Ernie twenty goes into eighty a hell of a lot more than eighty goes into twenty."
“I will never forget it you know? Doorbell rang the other day, answered the door and there was a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card I opened it, it said “Love, from your boyfriend Ernie.” I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine. I said “Clementine, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I’m gonna be flat on my back with my legs wide open.” Clementine says to me “What’s the matter, ain’t you got a vase?”
...and now I am crawling back to bed... 

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