Sunday, August 19, 2012


Today I took out my vacuum cleaner from the cleaning cupboard for the first time since March 12, 2010. I even used it and cleaned up the living room. It felt very good!
Art by Eugène Jansson  - "Male nude, sitting model" - 1906-1914
The antidepressants I started on shortly after Ars´s death made me able to function well at work, but when I came home I was mostly extremely tired and only able to cope with the most essential household chores.

Since that day I have only been doing the bare necessities to be able to exist, go to work or move around other people. I have been maintaining my personal hygiene, doing laundry and using the dish washer when the kitchen sink was too full or I had no plates or cutlery left to eat from or with. I have however managed to keep the toilet and the washbasin clean - or sort of, my mother wouldn't approve - but no one has been let into my apartment since that day.

Before the depression I was a rather fastidious and tidy person, an inheritance from my perfectionist Lutheran parents. I thrive in ordered and clean surroundings, so the growing clutter and dust around me has not been helpful. Not since I lately started noticing it, which I did not do the first years. So during my last vacation I slowly started on decluttering, step by small step.

Slowly but surely now my home is starting to come back to normal. There is still very much to do, but I have set a generous time limit for myself. Everything should be finished and my home presentable again by mid-December, because then I intend to have a get-together at home with my team at work.

Please, keep your fingers crossed for me!


  1. My fingers are crossed for you buddy and I'll come over and clean your entire place for you!

  2. You know, Ziggy doesn't have a half bad idea.

    I find cleaning very therapeutic, sometimes.

    Why not ask for some help or look into hiring someone to get the ball rolling? From what you explained this is more than just cleaning your house.

    If a friend of mine explained the story as you did, I'd be happy to help them. I'd even do windows. Yay!

  3. Jag måste bara få ge dig en stor kram för att du sakta men säkert återvänder. Sorgens resa är svår och så olika för oss alla/Loo

  4. im very glad to hear it! i know how hard it is to begin when you havent done it for a long time. and it takes a long time. i was even thinking of getting in a cleaning team at one stage but in the end i did it on my own. took me 6 days as i cant do much at the same time but it got clean:) i have never been one of doing weekly cleaning, but now i have tasks i set up i have to do every week. and it gets easier however vaccuming isnt done every week in this house and probably never will:)

  5. Thanks so much for the support all of you! It is really heartwarming to read your comments.

    It´s not so much the cleaning that worries me, but to go through the stuff I have dragged out of the drawers and cupboards or brought home from somewhere and decide whether to keep it or throw it away.

    Once I have done away with the clutter and have gotten the artwork that´s laying around in the corners and other stuff that is still unpacked out of their boxes I fully intend to hire someone to help with the cleaning.

    I feel the need to point out (I have actually been thinking about that all day at work) that my home looks nowhere near the ones you can see in the reality TV-shows. I see the floor space and don't have to walk through a labyrinth of piles of my possessions. I never had an inclination for dragging home stuff I don´t need or get separation anxiety when I throw stuff away. My problem is I take things out, and when I am done with them I leave them there.

    The reason I don´t bring friends of family here to help out is that I am terribly ashamed of the situation. I have repeatedly gotten offers to help out, but I have not been able to accept them. Not yet, I should perhaps say.

    Hugs to you all!

    And in closing a personal message in Swedish to Loo.

    Tack för din hälsning här, den värmde särskilt mycket mot bakgrund av de meningsskiljaktigheter vi har haft tidigare. Det var starkt av dig att ta detta steg och jag uppskattar det verkligen.

    Vi kanske skulle försöka oss på att bli vänner igen, eller vad tycker du?

    Kramar och hälsa Lounge!


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