Dreaming of Bridges

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." (John Donne, Meditation XVII)

The thing I miss most since losing Ars is the the knowledge that no one is waiting for me, that no one will miss me if i don´t happen to log in that day.

Ars would usually be waiting for me on the back porch when I logged in-world or teleport in from wherever he was. We would greet each other with a "Hi babe!" and a hug or a kiss and talk awhile before we got on with what was on our individual or joint schedules that day, all the while keeping in touch with each other.

I know I have friends in SecondLife - even close friends, but it is still not the same thing at all. At times I have slipped into moods and have allowed myself to feel like a lonely castaway on a rock in the middle of the Pacific. This has never been really true of course, my friends have always looked after me and cared for me, but still...

There is a big difference going out into the world together with someone you love and trust and doing it alone. Ars was always there by my side and admittedly I sometimes became complacent and let him do the ground work for me, because it always came so easily to him. He was more outgoing. Not that I am not outgoing, but sometimes I become very self conscious and if my overtures aren't received as I expect I just clam up. I think it may be a Swedish thing...

Lately I have started dreaming a lot about bridges and I realize that it is now up to me to build those bridges and maintain them so that they remain strong and secure. Some days that comes easy, others not so easy. 

However it may be, now I have finally accepted the fact that Ars is no longer here, I have to deal with it myself. It´s my own responsibility.