Change

To change, i.e. to do things differently or to become different by changing personal traits, is difficult for me. I am very much a creature of habits. Although I may like change as a concept, I do not like sudden and unexpected changes that I do not feel I can control. 

When it comes to changing my ways of doing things or my ways of thinking I procrastinate a lot and drag the process out. I first need to feel, then think and then to re-feel and re-think before I go ahead and start doing it by trying things out. It's a slow and arduous ordeal, even when I am aware of the need and see the benefits of changing. This cautious approach to change is of course the fundamental reason for my political affinity for reform rather than revolution. 

Even if I have this guarded enthusiasm for change I mostly adapt with relative ease to new situations in my surroundings - if they do not crave personal change. Surprisingly, I have no problems with unthinkingly establishing new bad habits, the problem is rather to break these when I realize they are destructive. My insight of this character flaw in my personality at an early age has made me  relatively cautious in my relationships with alcohol and drugs. 

The drugs I do abuse on a daily basis are caffeine - well, I am Swedish after all - and nicotine. Both these addictions have become excessive over the past three years since I was diagnosed with depression, I drink many litres of coffee and have increased my smoking from 20 to 40 (sometimes 50) cigarettes per day.   My weight has also increased with 10 kilograms during the same period due to the fact that I completely stopped exercising. From being a moderately fit man I have become a couch potato.

I need to change my life, my choices and my habits.