Everybody Else...

A Second Opinion

During the past week, while all the world has been worrying about the Boston bombings, I have been totally self absorbed and worrying about my own petty problems.

Yesterday I logged in-world determined to block out anything that had to do with first life. Whenever I was asked how I was doing, by caring friends who had read my blog, I simply answered - as I have done all week -  "I am fine" or "I will be fine" because I just didn't want to get into it all.

I tried that trick with Dejerrity too, but was unsuccessful, because he wouldn't let off and I guess I was so filled with it all and needed to talk about it with someone I trusted. So I started talking about it with him and all my frustration and confusion came gushing out.

It is all about my only remaining social arena in first life, i.e. my workplace. I have been the manager of a department consisting of six other lawyers, a conciliator and three legal assistants for the last twelve years. As I have mentioned earlier we had an employee survey at my company last year, as we have every other year. The results of this survey were delivered in the beginning of November last year. Usually I and my department come out of these surveys with flying colors. Not so this year, I flunked in many respects although my results were still excellent in others.

I am not used to bombing in any tests - ever. As far as I can remember it has only ever happened once before, and that was at university when we had an examination about a month and a half after my beloved maternal grandmother had passed away.

The lousy results of the employee survey had to be followed up of course, and we have done that to some extent, but are still not finished so I was not in the least surprised when my boss on Monday asked me to meet with her and the HR manager on Tuesday for further discussions.

At the meeting on Tuesday I was offered what I - at the time - perceived to be a Mafia-like "offer that I could not refuse". While constantly reiterating that she had complete confidence in me and that she believed that I could and would once again function as an excellent manager of my department she all the same maintained that I needed to take time out to work on some of my issues. my physical health (22 sick days last year) and general well-being. She then went on to offer me three months to do so with full pay and released from my managerial duties, which during the meantime would be taken over by my substitute. If all went well and I managed to get on the right track, which she repeatedly told me she was convinced of, I would be reinstated by September.

All my warning signals went off simultaneously and paranoia took a firm grip of my mind. I saw this as a roundabout way to remove me from my position and started  to kick and scream - figuratively - and told them straight off that I would not accept anything that included me stepping down as manager. No way, no how, it was certainly not going to happen if I had anything to do with it, never ever, totally unacceptable! (Do you get the gist of my line?)

I also told them (or rather my boss, the HR manager did not count) that if they wanted to remove me as manager of the department I would prefer a clean break and not going through these strange motions, to which my boss answered that she had no intention whatsoever of removing me as manager if I only got with the program.

At that point we decided to adjourn the meeting and to meet again on Thursday. After thinking about it all Tuesday evening and a worried nights sleep I went to work on Wednesday and sent them an email in which I asked to be relieved from all my duties as manager forthwith. I received an answer from my boss that they still wanted to meet with me on Thursday.

So I went to the meeting on Thursday prepared to discuss how to leave my position and the handover process, but my boss - the stubborn and irritating woman - was not on the same page as me. She told me straight out that she was not prepared to accept my resignation and repeated again that she wished me to consider the matter carefully because she was convinced that if I was given the time I would be able to fulfill my obligations perfectly while at the same time improving my physical health and general physical condition and well-being.

They were going to send me the offer in writing and she wanted me to discuss it with someone I trusted over the weekend.

So this was the point I was at on Friday evening when I logged in-world determined not to worry about the chaos in my mind that the discussions at work had resulted in.

While I told Dej about the events I remembered certain things that I had managed to block out during the process. The most important ones were that I actually admire and like my boss, despite her tendency to move to immediate action when she is confronted with a problem, and also that I have worked with her for thirteen years and fundamentally trust her.

Dej's reaction to the offer and his opinion of it also made me consider it as less threatening and more of a beneficial offer that I could and definitely should rethink and see the possibilities it gave me to improve my present way of life.

The conversation with Dej has given me food for further thought and I am no longer stuck in the paranoid state of mind I was in earlier.

P.S. I would like to apologise for my distraction to those who also tried to speak with me during my conversation with Dej, especially Vampi, Diana and sirhc.

To Butch on Change

This poem by the Swedish author and poet Karin Boye (October 26, 1900 - April 24, 1941) has always meant a lot to me when I run into hateful changes in my personal life. It gives me hope and optimism, even though everything looks dark.

My dearest Butch, this is my way of telling you that I totally agree with you, Life is change and change is life, but to me that doesn't always exclude the possibility that both life and change can suck sometimes...

I have always loved Karin's own reading best, unfortunately I can only find a recording in which she reads the first verse, but still it gives you a sense of rhythm and how it - in my opinion - can best be read.

YES, OF COURSE IT HURTS (Interpreted by David McDuff in "Karin Boye: Complete Poems")

Yes, of course it hurts when buds are breaking.
Why else would the springtime falter?
Why would all our ardent longing
bind itself in frozen, bitter pallor?
After all, the bud was covered all the winter.
What new thing is it that bursts and wears?
Yes, of course it hurts when buds are breaking,
hurts for that which grows
                    and that which bars.

Yes, it is hard when drops are falling.
Trembling with fear, and heavy hanging,
cleaving to the twig, and swelling, sliding -
weight draws them down, though they go on clinging.
Hard to be uncertain, afraid and divided,
hard to feel the depths attract and call,
yet sit fast and merely tremble -
hard to want to stay
                    and want to fall.

Then, when things are worst and nothing helps
the tree's buds break as in rejoicing,
then, when no fear holds back any longer,
down in glitter go the twig's drops plunging,
forget that they were frightened by the new,
forget their fear before the flight unfurled -
feel for a second their greatest safety,
rest in that trust
                    that creates the world.

Boston

(via J.M.G.)

Rassurez Vous (Fear Not)

Mike Fédée is a young French filmmaker that has published a beautiful statement on marriage equality on his Facebook page.

If you do not speak French, hit the cc-button for subtitles in English.

(From Advocate.com via J.M.G.)
A film by Mike Fédée (with translation to English below by Christophe Galland)

Fear not,
In this debate on marriage equality, no one has lost.
We are all winners.
As we will live better, together.

Fear not,
If I get married tomorrow, you will not become less of a man, or of a woman.
I will simply become the husband of mine.

Fear not,
I am not asking you to not believe in your God anymore.
I am asking you to believe... in us.

Fear not,
Your God will never blame you for dancing, singing, laughing, crying with us
When we say "I do" to each other.

Fear not,
We will not fall in love with every man on the street, no.

Fear not,
We are not just about drugs, alcohol, sex, clubs… no.
We are no more, and no less, than you.
We are as much, as you.

Fear not,
We will not steal anybody's children.
Ours will fly into our lives, like the angels we expected for so long.

Fear not,
My child will not go hit on yours in the sandbox.

Fear not,
I will not be coming to school to pick up my child dressed as Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
And if I did, don't judge a book by its cover.

Fear not,
I will love my child.

Fear not,
I will never prevent my child from loving someone.

Fear not,
If someday, you want to apologize to me,
I will not turn my back to you.

Fear not,
I will accept them.

Fear not,
We will never call for blood.

Fear not, homophobes,
You can do more than violence, physical and verbal.

Fear not, fag bashers.
Someday, when you talk about it with your kids, shamefully,
They will forgive you. Thank to our children.
And that day, we will name you "the faggiven."

Fear not,
I want to start over with you.
I want to rebuild with you.

Fear not,
This is not a threat.
I've been telling you, since the beginning:

Fear not.

Mike Fédée on Facebook

Change

To change, i.e. to do things differently or to become different by changing personal traits, is difficult for me. I am very much a creature of habits. Although I may like change as a concept, I do not like sudden and unexpected changes that I do not feel I can control. 

When it comes to changing my ways of doing things or my ways of thinking I procrastinate a lot and drag the process out. I first need to feel, then think and then to re-feel and re-think before I go ahead and start doing it by trying things out. It's a slow and arduous ordeal, even when I am aware of the need and see the benefits of changing. This cautious approach to change is of course the fundamental reason for my political affinity for reform rather than revolution. 

Even if I have this guarded enthusiasm for change I mostly adapt with relative ease to new situations in my surroundings - if they do not crave personal change. Surprisingly, I have no problems with unthinkingly establishing new bad habits, the problem is rather to break these when I realize they are destructive. My insight of this character flaw in my personality at an early age has made me  relatively cautious in my relationships with alcohol and drugs. 

The drugs I do abuse on a daily basis are caffeine - well, I am Swedish after all - and nicotine. Both these addictions have become excessive over the past three years since I was diagnosed with depression, I drink many litres of coffee and have increased my smoking from 20 to 40 (sometimes 50) cigarettes per day.   My weight has also increased with 10 kilograms during the same period due to the fact that I completely stopped exercising. From being a moderately fit man I have become a couch potato.

I need to change my life, my choices and my habits.

The Benefit of Two Realities

As I mentioned in an earlier post my first life sucked big time today, so at the behest of my buddy Ziggy I logged into my other life.

If I have not done so before I would now like to take the opportunity of thanking Philip Rosedale (a.k.a. Philip Linden), the creator of SecondLife, for supplying me with this wonderful alternative reality. On a day like today it felt like a great relief and almost a lifesaver.

When I came in-world I was immediately surrounded by good, nice, decent and caring people and my outlook on life slowly shifted. I had two long talks and a few shorter ones..

The first long talk was with my brother in-law Dej who came over to visit with me at my current favorite spot on the home sim - the grassy knoll between the two ponds close to the house. I really trust Dej, he has always been there for me over the last three years. I also trust in his common sense and no nonsense attitude towards life.

When Dej had to leave for a drink and dinner in first life, I was hailed by my buddy Ziggy. We had a lot of catching up to do as we hadn't really spoken with each other since well before Easter.

Although the two men at first glance may seem very different, they have certain fundamental traits in common which appeal to me. Serious, intelligent men with a humorous twist have always made me feel comfortable and secure.