Then on Saturday everything came to a sort of standstill when I suddenly realized that nothing really made me happy, sad, angry, irritated or upset or evoked any emotions within me whatsoever. Nothing! I just suddenly went totally numb.
Nothing makes me want to think, act, get involved or bother in the least about it. It´s a really strange state for me, I cannot remember ever being here before. It´s like a very strange limbo, not unpleasant at all and very calm but sort of distant from everyone and everything.
Usually my feelings are what get me going. My feelings feed my thoughts and my thoughts lead to my actions, these lead to new reactions which I feel, think about and act on ad infinitum. Now I just think and absolutely nothing at all comes of it. My feelings sort of slammed the door in my face and just up and left.
I am still sure of certain things concerning my feelings though, but more in a rational than emotional way.
1. My parents love me and I love them.
2. I love Ars and Ars loved me.
3. Although I have always been a relationship junkie, I have never in my life been as clingy or dependent on others as I have been this last year. I am not used to throwing myself at anyone and ask them to take care of me, it doesn't suit me at all.
Well just wanted to let you - or perhaps myself - know whats going on here. Hopefully this will not last long. Hell, not even that wanker Assange upsets me right now - and that I know for sure will not last.
You know sweetie, it might be the anti-depressants making you feel numb. I don't know which ones you are taking and what they do to your levels of Serotonin, but generally anti-depressants lifts you from total darkness to a state where you are "somewhat neutral" which means cutting off the drops but also the peaks. Actually the EKG-picture describes it quite well. They spare you from feeling TOO much, I guess, werther it is pain or joy, so that the transition between the two won't knock you out. People close to a person on anti-depressants usually say that the person in question behaves a bit "blank". Still, you might be taking a too large a dosis, or perhaps you need different pills? I'm not a doctor, this is just what I have learned over the years. If you are on medication, that medicine is doing something to you and even if they sometimes are refered to as "happy pills", that is not what they do :-/ They make you feel LESS so as to lift you from the worst parts of the depression. Talk to your doctor about adjusting the dosis? Then I'd sugest making yourself a thermos of coffee, bring a blanket and an MP3-player loaded with Laurie Anderson's "The ugly one with the jewels" and go outside and sit in the sun and just exist for a while - the sun is a wonderful source of vitamins, Laurie is a wonderful source of joy and coffee is just fucking awesome! Hugs /Sofie Snowbear
ReplyDeleteSounds like real good advice from Sofie.
ReplyDeleteHugs buddy!
Auntie Sofie is right on the button. I found myself humming 'constantly numb' of all the cliches and I think that was part of me screaming inside. I was lucky insofar as I was able to get my dosage changed while I was still inside where it was a lot easier to notice the changes. And yeah sitting out in the sun reading was what helped me out.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sofie and bosom buddies! I am seeing my doctor in ten days, I´ll take it up with him,
ReplyDeleteI think you may be correct in everything you say Sofie dear, but I don´t want to fiddle about with the doctor´s orders without his say-so. ...and I´ll try the Laurie-thing too ;)
Hugs all!