There is a person whom I have told about this. At the time when I told her I thought of her as a friend, but we have since parted ways and broken all contact. Still she keeps on baiting me on almost a daily basis and I am just waiting for her to "spill the beans". I do not wish to be afraid anymore, so here goes.
After my husband Ars passed away I was diagnosed with clinical depression.
Clinical depression is a serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.
I was unable to function as I used to and lost interest in activities that were once enjoyable to me. I felt sad and hopeless for extended periods of time. Clinical depression is not the same as feeling sad or depressed for a few days and then feeling better. It affected my body, my mood, my thoughts, and my behavior. It changed my eating habits, how I felt and how I thought, my ability to work and how I interacted with people. In short I did not "feel like myself" anymore.
Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away. Clinically depressed people cannot "pull themselves together" and get better. In fact, clinical depression often interferes with a person's ability or wish to get help. Clinical depression is a serious illness that lasts for weeks, months and sometimes years. Mental health counselors and psychiatrists are trained to diagnose and treat clinical depression. With the right treatment, most people who seek help get better within several months. Many people begin to feel better in just a few weeks.
I am grateful to my boss for forcing me to seek medical help at an early stage already in May 2010, and for the support I have since received from her, from my co-workers, from my true friends and family in real life and in Second Life. I have been receiving medical treatment for this since May and mostly I feel much better and stronger although not quite my old self yet.
I am relieved that I have now come to the decision to tell you myself rather than wait for it to be hurled out on another blog.
Bock, there is nothing to confess, and nothing to be ashamed of. Ars was a wonderful person and every bit as close to you as a real world partner would have been. Americans, especially people out West, tend to be more upfront with such things; depression is not a stigma in the United States for the most part. But I know things are different in other places.
ReplyDeleteAnd I assure you -- you are not the only one suffering from depression out of your circle of friends in Second Life - lots of people are.
Grieving is our way of coping with a loss, and depression is a natural human response to this. Our minds numb as part of a healing process. Luckily, medicine is now understanding that much depression is due to chemical imbalances and can help us with chemistry in many cases. The herb St Johns Wort has been shown in many studies to be as effective as Prozac and other Serotonin Uptake inhibitors -- without the side effects-- is also effective in fighting depression.
I have another way of fighting depression. Take breaks from Second Life, walk in the sunshine, and start trying to enjoy real life things again. I have faced the unexpected loss of a nephew this year - my godson. This shattered my small extended family. In addition, several friends of mine in Second Life passed away this year - including Ars.
When my best friend in real life-- out of the clear blue - told me in late August that he had terminal cancer, and would in all likelihood not make for another year, it was too much to handle.
Second Life stopped being enjoyable for me. I did not want to interact with people, hated incoming IM's and teleport requests, and decided to take a break. Jago, my partner, was also gone for a three-week break which made things easier. I would not want to leave him for so long.
I did visit my sick friend in California for two weeks, but more importantly, made it a point to get out more and get sun, eat out, read, and enjoy real life things more. I took a six week break from virtual reality. And it did me a world of good.
Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight and nutrition is a huge prolem for many people, and especially for you since you like in Scandinavia. Although I live in sunny Florida, I rarely go outside in the summer - I burn easily. I have changed that, and up my mineral supplements -- helping me feel better. And heavy Second Life users who do not go outside that much, do not eat a wider variety of healthy foods, and spend more time with real world family and friends are making themselves depressed. Man cannot exist on Virtual Reality alone.
With you 1000% percent my Friend. Nuff said
ReplyDeletefirst of all.. why would anyone write about you and your real life on a blog (someone who have never met you rl i take it) - that is an invasion of privacy...
ReplyDeletesecond... very strong of you to write about your clinical dep :) ive had it for many years now and it took me a long time to admit to myself that i would never be the same person i was before i fell down the black hole.
as i see it a depression is no worse than if you have a heart condition.. i mean if you tell ppl you had a heart attack they go ohhh are you ok and so on but if you say you have a depression many ppl still go silent and stay away from you like you have the plague- which is just silly.
behind you 100% and i know what its like
lots of hugs:)
Starkt Bock
ReplyDeleteBåde att du skriver det du skriver och att du har tagit tag i saken och aktivt lever det liv som är ditt här och nu
I think you are very brave to share this with us. Depression is not anything unusal in todays world. I hope things will be better for you. To meet big love and then loose it because of death can make anyone depressed.
ReplyDeleteJust felt for writing these words to you.
Hugs
Carla
Skönt att du har människor i din närhet som fångade upp dig i ett tidigt skede och fick dig till en läkare som förstod och ställde en diagnos.
ReplyDeleteGe inte upp Bock.. en dag (snart hoppas jag) kommer du med rätt hjälp att må bra igen :)
*kramar om*
Thanks everyone for your kind words and understanding, big hugs to you all and also to those who contacted me directly inworld or on Facebook! I am overwhelmed, by all your support!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I am usually feeling a lot better most of the time, I must warn you all I am still a bit "fragile" and sometimes just "go under". Luckily it doesnot last for long now, but it still happens, and I do not always know what brings it on.
Thanks also for your great advice about how to get stronger and better, I have already started following your recommendations in some ways.
However the best thing about posting this is that I am no longer afraid and that I showed myself that I can take control over my life again.
Hugs to you all!
Very well written and besides that clinical dep.is really a very normal reaction to grief.You lost your partner,loved one and dearest friend.He was with us one day and then suddenly not anymore.Of course the world changed,it will never be excatly the same again...Thanks for sharing dear Bock
ReplyDeleteForgot the HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
ReplyDeleteZigga and Em
Kraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm Bockis!!!
ReplyDeleteHuuuuuuuugs Ziga, Em and Blanche!
ReplyDeleteIm sad to read that you made this "confession" because you feelt forced to. Things like this should not come out in this way. But I agree with everyone else that it was strong of you, and hopfully this will give you strength to deal with it some more. Its a huge step to be this open about it and who knows, perhaps this post makes it a bit easier for someone else who is struggling with their own problems :)
ReplyDeleteI bow for you strenght, and wish you all the best in youre recovery.
There is always beauty in every breakdown, not only tragedy.
Hugs
Thanks Aallotar for your warm and caring words! No, it wasn´t easy, but I finally reached the conclusion I needed to do it for my own sake, and I am relieved that I did.
ReplyDeleteIf my posts helps someone else I can only be happy!
Hugs
Love ya toooooooooooo BIL! Next time I´ll send you to deal with her ;)
ReplyDeleteSingle minded people just gets on my nerves. Hell YES BIL you know you can count on me! :)
ReplyDelete