The image above is a true reflection of the state of my thought patterns at the moment. I am trying to get to grips with it.
It is easy for me to accept certain facts and to make a decision of "letting go" and "moving on", but when I try to break it down into actions that need to be taken or what course I wish to take out of my present predicament my brain simply shuts down and starts to produce beautiful and erratic confusion.
Since my Ars died I have made myself into a mausoleum for his memory, I realize that, but how do I change that? I have become so used to being the planet around his sun and reflecting the light that shone from him. Where do I find my new light source and how do I create my new universe?
A Swedish comedian said "Life is like a paper bag, empty and devoid of meaning if you don't fill it with something." So the question remains, what do I fill it with when I remove, or move from the center to the periphery or diminish what Ars has been in my life?
At the same time as all this is going on, I am also worrying about friends around me who have landed in real messes with their health and other first life issues compared to which my self absorption seems extremely petty and petulant.
Move when you want, Walk when you want. The destination might be unknown to you for now, the walk will be pleasant. There's a lot of good people walking next to you.
ReplyDeleteNo one can tell you Bock what to do, or how to handle this. But let me offer something. Please think about your statement here:
ReplyDelete"So the question remains, what do I fill it with when I remove, or move from the center to the periphery or diminish what Ars has been in my life?"
I do not think you can move on from the part of you which Ars, has become one with. Even if you wanted to "move on", I do not think you can. You can also not diminish Ars influence on you. Ars will always be here, and part of you. Moving forward is different than moving on.
My 10 cents worth.
YOU were the light, Bock, and what shone from Ars was a reflection of you. He had his own light, but I know the difference. In time you will decide what to do, there is no rish and no deadline. Take your time, and remember the light is inside of you. My love, Dej
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, sweet Dej, love you too!
Delete(And for those wondering, seeing as I no longer allow anonymous comments, let me tell you that Dej sent me an email explaining he had wanted to post the comment above but had difficulty doing it. I was so touched by it that I wanted to share it with y'all so I posted it for him. Sneaky little bugger, aren't I?)