What's Going On?

My blogging has been a bit irregular lately, for which I ask your pardon.

The image above is a true reflection of the state of my thought patterns at the moment. I am trying to get to grips with it.

It is easy for me to accept certain facts and to make a decision of "letting go" and "moving on", but when I try to break it down into actions that need to be taken or what course I wish to take out of my present predicament my brain simply shuts down and starts to produce beautiful and erratic confusion.

Since my Ars died I have made myself into a mausoleum for his memory, I realize that, but how do I change that? I have become so used to being the planet around his sun and reflecting the light that shone from him. Where do I find my new light source and how do I create my new universe?

A Swedish comedian said "Life is like a paper bag, empty and devoid of meaning if you don't fill it with something." So the question remains, what do I fill it with when I remove, or move from the center to the periphery or diminish what Ars has been in my life?

At the same time as all this is going on, I am also worrying about friends around me who have landed in real messes with their health and other first life issues compared to which my self absorption seems extremely petty and petulant.

A Note Card From Dej

Yesterday I had an offline message from my brother in-law Dejerrity Mycron in my e-mail, saying that he had something important he wanted to talk with me about. Knowing me as well as he does, he also added that it was nothing urgent or bad.

When I logged in we met and talked a little. During the conversation he brought up the subject of the upcoming third anniversary of Ars' passing. I had already been thinking about that so we were on the same page. We both agreed that a casual get-together of Ars' immediate family and friends on Sunday March 10 would be the best. Weekends are better because it alleviates some of the hassle with coordinating the the timezone differences between Australia, Europe and America. The time was to be settled after I had spoken with Sarco to see what would work for him.

After settling that business, Dej told me that he had been in the middle of writing me a note card to clarify the important matter he wanted to talk with me about as a basis for our talk, but he gave me no clue as to what the subject was going to be. He also told me to remember that he loved me when I was reading the note card.

With growing anticipation, but no major worries, I left him to finish the note card and went to Oliver Elton's Valentine Show.

At Oliver's show was approaching the end, I received Dej´s note card and started reading it.

It was one of the most intensely personal and deeply moving messages I have ever received, in any of my lives. The message was loving, caring and extremely considerate. It had me in tears from start to finish.

I will never share the bulk of it with anyone, but this is an excerpt from the end of the note card that also shows the essentials of what Dej wanted to convey to me.

"... . But grief has to end, and we cannot torture ourselves all of our lives. We're all human, and all humans die.

We lost Ars almost 3 years ago. Some days I see you sitting all alone at his memorial and that makes me so sad. Ars would want you to move on, and 3 years of grief is enough for anyone. I suggested a remembrance service next month because I think you need to say a last goodbye. (***) isn't coming back, neither is Ars. You need to move on with your life, you have so much love to share. 

You have to let him go, and no matter what you say, you haven't done that yet. And I say this from experience, that's why I wrote all I did above. I know how much you loved him. I understand the pain because I went through it 6 years ago. And you know I loved Ars too. But it's time to let him go, Bock. You have to say goodbye. 

I know this is not what anyone wants to hear, but I write this with love and the best of intentions. We'll always remember them, but we have to let them go."

Unlike the previous time two years ago when a stupid "shieldmaiden" (who did not know me or care for me and whom I despised intensely) blurted out on her blog that it was time for me to let go and move on, this came from someone I love and trust, someone who I know loves me back and someone who also knew and loved Ars.

I knew I had to come to grips with what Dej was asking me to do. The subject was not something I had not thought about, but you must understand that for two and a half of my first three years in SecondLife my Ars had been the absolute center of my universe, in both lives.

When we discussed his message to me, I told Dej that I was grateful to him for writing me the note card. for sharing his experiences and that I had remember that he loved me while I was reading it.

I saidj, "I have always needed 'separation time', unlike others I cannot go from one to the next, it makes me confused."
Dej said "Babe, the whole point of my note....it's been 3 years now. We have to move on"
I agreed and said, "Yes, but that doesn't mean we throw ourselves at the first possible option that arrives. And I KNOW you don´t mean that."
Dej answered, "True enough. I just want you to be happy"
To which I answered, "I would say I am happy now, sweetie, happier than in a very long time. I am just going to enjoy life and see what happens."
Dej told me sternly, "No. We make things happen, with our choices and our regrets and mostly with our hopes.  Seize the moment, throw caution to the wind and take a chance that your heart could be broken again. (...) Because sometimes, things work out.  But you'll never know if you don't try :) It's ok to fall in love again."

I am still thinking about what Dej wrote and said. I realize that what he told me is true, but I am still not sure if I am ready to fall in love again. It gives me some food for thought.