I still love that place so much and it holds so many treasured memories for me. Although I have a memorial site for Ars on Southern Charm, this is the place I return to when I want to feel really close to him or when I need to think things through. Strange maybe, but nonetheless true.
When I am there, I connect with Ars and can think through stuff that has happened or that I have experienced and do not fully understand or simply don´t know how to handle. From time to time, I get a thought that has a "timbre" of Ars or simply hear him laughing.
Before I went to the party I had had a quick talk with my sister Millimina, she was logging off as I came in-world. There are many similarities between Ars and Millimina and many disparities too. The most striking similarities are their solid and grounded personalities, their wisdom and their care and love for me. I could/can always depend on them telling me the truth. After the conversation with Millimina I already had her input on a few of the things that were troubling me, but I still needed to digest them.
What was at the top of my mind was my worries for a friend who is possibly facing some bad news. There are no definite results yet and the verdict is not in, which is the biggest problem right now.
The waiting is always the worst part, and if it drags out we sort of end up in a state of limbo not knowing what to do or say. We just feel helpless and prepare our-self for the - inevitable - blow. Once we get "the news" we can rave, rant, cry and go on to handle the situation or pick up our pieces again with a sigh of relief that we have a minor ailment to take care of.
What we as friends and family can do is try to be there as much as we can and are allowed, listen more than we speak and sometimes try to remind our friends not to take the bad news for granted in advance. However, we have all been in more or less similar situations sometime and know that that is easier said than done...
The other situation was a trifle compared to the first one.
I have not been proud of my own demeanor during the past days. It is a situation I often find myself in somehow, where I take the bait that is thrown at me and revert to childish behavior. Since childhood and youth I have been thought not to let people trample over me and to stand up to bullies. "Hell, if I don´t do it, who will?" is the thought that strikes me and I run off on a rampage.
Try as I may, to follow the kind advice I get from friends and family to me and whose advice I value highly, I revert to this immature childlike behavior and find myself laying on the floor of the department store kicking, screaming and yelling to no avail. What I must realize and come to terms with is that in taking their bait I accept the game they are playing.
Instead of doing that, I must remember the things I know to be true about myself and act accordingly.
I am not and have never been a bully, neither do I use suppression or domination techniques against anyone, especially not women. I must also remember what actually happened from my perspective and hold on to that however someone else tries to distort the events. I am not responsible for their version and have no obligation to rectify or clarify anything they say, it is a futile struggle anyway and will only entrench their position.
Only if and when I see somebody else get hurt do I have an obligation to act. The rest is nonsense and other people role-playing. I should stick to what matters, real things and real people.
"It´s time to grow up, Bock babe, now focus on what matters!" *deep roaring laughter*
