Sometimes I Miss Him More

After a long struggle I think I can now safely say that I have finally come to accept the fact that my Ars is no longer with me. And that he will never come back to me.

Please don´t get me wrong, I still think of him several times a day, but happy thoughts when I see things he made to make my SecondLife easier or more beautiful. Like when he ripped the stairs out of our house and installed a system of teleportation instead because I have always had a hard time with stairs, still have. "Actions not words!", huh?

On those occasions that I flew off the handle about something or other that had occurred or that I was interested in doing - not at all few occasions I can assure you - he was the best at talking me down and talk things through before acting. Delaying me, was what I called it but didn't really mean that because in hindsight I could see the necessity. How some people could choose to give me the nickname "the most patient man in all of SL" is way over my head.


And I still miss him badly, but sometimes I just miss him more. Like these last few days; I have so missed having him to share my thoughts with and my reactions to what is going on around me. Ars and I were almost constantly in communication with each other, with the possible exception during his sets when we only talked if he wanted it. Otherwise we talked all the time and everywhere, even when we were not in the same place.

Ars calmed me, he made me think rationally and not just do and go or try anything on a whim. He respected me enough to hear me out and I did the same for him in those few, very occasions that he needed it. So sometimes I do miss him desperately, even though I have succeeded in gathering sweet people around me who try hard to fulfill his role for me. I will forever be in their gratitude, but it´s still not the same.

Contemplating

Today was a very slow day. Even if I woke up early and read the newspaper and a few blogs I then went back to bed and slept to-and-fro almost all day.

I have been thinking about the developments over the last few days. My reactions to what happened in the group chat that led me to write my post about "Hatred" and other peoples reactions to that post and of course my own reactions to these reactions.

There are mainly four persons that stand out as honestly trying to give me an understanding of why they are upset with either "the main character" a.k.a."the culprit" or "the witch" in all this or with me and my post. Two of them in private conversations in-world, one  the day before yesterday and one today. Another one has given me a clue in a comment on my blog today and one in a post on her own blog (this is the first and only time I have actually seen any close to specific complaints about the main character in all this.

The rest who have voiced opinions have done so in a manner that is totally useless to try to interpret if I want to understand what they are reacting towards in my post. They just vent unspecific anger at me.

I haven´t come to any conclusions yet, I am sorry to say. This is a very tangled web and I am not even hopeful of untangling it altogether, just to my own satisfaction.

Cold Star

Celestial Wrath

Click to enlarge (Bock himself doctored this picture found on the Internet.)

"Celeste" (a.k.a Blanche Argus with the blog "Blanche´s Arena") is angry with me for my recent post "Hatred".

As usual with "Celeste" she isn't really clear on what her objections are. All the same she seems to try to make me responsible for people quitting SecondLife and stop blogging. I don´t know anyone who has left SecondLife or stopped blogging because of me or anything I have posted.

However, I had a very long, good, openhearted and honest talk with another avatar the evening after I had posted "Hatred". That avatar was clearer and more specific about it´s objections. I am still digesting what we talked about and will most likely post something when I am good and ready. 

SecondLife Makes Premium Better

Today I got a mail from Linden Lab, owners of SecondLife, informing me that they were now making SecondLife better for those of us with a Premium Member account.

This is of course a start to follow up on the promises made by Rod Humble, CEO of Linden Lab, at the recent SecondLife Community Conference 2011 (SLCC 2011) of adding value to the Premium accounts.

My main reason - although not the only one - for having a Premium account is to be able to hold land directly from Linden Lab, i.e. the Southern Charm sim that Ars and I bought together before he passed away.

"September's free Premium-only gift is an interactive furniture set that includes a sofa, tables, plants and lamps to make your home feel cozy. Each light turns on with a simple click! Don't like the color or texture of the furniture? Click it to change the look!"

Even if I don´t intend to get the customizable furniture set and do not need a Linden Home or access to a Premium Only Sandbox I do think it is a good idea to offer the paying customers some benefits and I am sure that those that only have a Linden Home must need a Sandbox to build. As Linden Lab says in it´s message "...this is only the beginning".

I am confident that something will be offered in the future that will suit me better.

Bock´s Eyes

This is a special post dedicated primarily to Kandinsky Beaumont. She has in the past - and recently also - expressed views concerning my eyes.

I will therefor now give her the possibility to choose among the following four sets. I promise to wear the set of eyes that meet with her approval until at least November 1st, 2011.

The rest of you are of course also free to express your views on this very self obsessed subject.

Set #1

Set #2

Set #3

Set #4

Ahhh of course, I should give the rest of you the chance to express your opinion in a poll. The poll is up in the top right corner.

Hatred

Only a few weeks ago many of us stood together remembering and honoring the people killed by the the Norwegian mass murderer A.B.B. (whom I never again intend to waist time on by spelling out his full name). This man hates many things; Islam, Muslims, foreigners, Norwegian Social Democrats and Swedish Social Democrats, Socialists, Communists, welfare receivers of any nationality etc. etc. The list could be made much longer but I think you get the drift.

I visited Stavkirken in Second Norway many times during that period, for my own sanity and to be close to others who cared, we sat together in silence and thought of the crimes that had been committed by one hating man against so many people. Again - a few weeks later - we stood all together outside the church remembering the killed at a ceremony in Second Norway and told each other this is what hate leads to, death and destruction and mass murder.

I remember telling myself during this period that hatred is a powerful force that eats at your soul, your mind and your feelings. It changes your outlook at the world and the other people in it. I promised myself to do anything from hating my fellow sisters and brothers again, either by word or by deed.

Yesterday I was minding my own business, looking over my sim, reading note cards that had been sent to me and answering them, chatting a little with my friend Zigadena Gabardini, discussing how our summers had been and her joy at having her Em from the Netherlands come visit for a couple of weeks and the plans they were making for meeting again in November.

I feel very close to Zigadena, ever since Ars first broke his leg and then again through his fatal illness. She has been there giving me emotional support, medical advice and helped me understand and come to grips with the medical procedures that my darling was subjected to.

However back now to the story I was trying to tell! After I had finished my conversation with Zigadena I went back to my meandering thoughts again while checking stuff on the sim when suddenly one of the groups erupted. It was one of the Swedish groups for a radio-channel. There is hardly ever any chat going on in this group apart from the announcements of upcoming shows.

Now the group suddenly filled with people who hated a common individual. Apparently there had been some blogging about something this person was supposed to have done the day before, I seemed to have missed that completely... or maybe it was so subtle that I missed what was being said behind the words written. Anyway they all were there spewing their common hatred on the "culprit" who wasn't there, or at least did not take part in the altercation while I still remained there. Actually some people I have liked dearly for a long time took part, although I don´t suspect they have liked me back as much since my position in this has been quite clear from the start, and of course there were others to whom I do have a distant or noncommittal relationship with.

The incident made me so upset that I immediately wanted to leave the group, but didn't know how to do it as I am new to the Firestorm viewer, so I logged out instead. I didn't want to get infected by more hate or be subjected to more hate speech.

When will we ever learn that there is no real difference between our own hate and the hate shown by the mass murderer A.B.B.? Hate never ever leads to any good, it only destroys.

Now back to bed, this post woke me up aching to get written. I am sad and tired now, sleep will be good for me!