Dear Bock: Second Chances?

"Dear Bock,

How many second chances do you give someone, who hurts you time and again?

Sad in Saskatchewan"

Bock McMillan,
photo by J.J. Goodman

Dear S-i-S,

There are no fixed rules! Individual circumstances and the individuals involved are paramount in deciding when enough-is-enough-is-enough for you, not - and I repeat not - for the person who hurts you.

In deciding this you must take into consideration "The 5 W's and the H", who, when, what, where and why and, finally, how it makes you feel.

If it is someone you don't know and don't care about there are no second chances at all however minor the offense is, whereas if it is a child or someone you love deeply there may not be a limit at all. Well, not until you feel that their saying "I'm sorry" for the umpteenth time just isn't enough anymore. You simply have had enough and do not wish to let yourself be hurt by that person again. That is when you pull up stakes and move yourself out of harm's way and do what you can to avoid further contact!

However, always keep in mind, you are human and are allowed to change your mind if and when you want to. There is always, always, a tomorrow... But, and this is a big one, before you forgive and forget, ask yourself if there has been any real indication of change in the other person. Otherwise you may just be setting yourself up to be hurt again.

Bock McMillan is a blogger, not a relationship expert, his weekly column "Dear Bock" should therefore merely be considered as his point-of-view on relationship matters. If you wish to get his reaction to a relationship question you have, you are welcome to send an email to lundamats@gmail.com. Remember to write "Dear Bock" in the subject line.

I Dreamt of Vanadis

Last night I dreamt one of the weirdest dreams I have ever dreamed before.

Vanadis Falconer
(photo quoted from Facebook)

I dreamt that I was sitting on the terrace of my "palazzo" at Southern Charm with none other than the other Swedish SecondLife blogger Vanadis Falconer. We were talking in voice and were happily chatting away and laughing a lot, although I cannot for the life of me remember what our conversation was about.

Now everyone who knows me well - or has followed my blog through the years - knows that my relationship with Vanadis has been "extremely strained", to say the least.

On June 29th this year I made the unilateral decision to forgive Vanadis, among others whom I felt had wronged me, so that I in time could forget the perceived insults and abuses. I at the same time asked for her forgiveness for my words and actions. Nothing more has come of that, other than the wonderful relief it gave me to get rid of that stinking and heavy burden and to finally let go of the bygone. So it is a complete mystery to me why I had this completely unexpected dream.

I am not even sure how I would actually handle the situation if the opportunity did arise.

A Unilateral Action

Today I have been in SecondLife 2,667 days or, expressed in another way, 7 years 2 months and 18 days.

I would like to think that I have friendly relations with most of the people I have encountered during those many years, some are still close, others I meet sporadically but for various reasons our paths have mostly parted, some have more or less or altogether left SecondLife and some I don't have contact with even if they are still around. But those that we are friends with or have amicable relations with are never the problem, are they?

The relationships that drain my energy, and that I have been thinking much about the last two weeks, are the failed ones. Those relationships that have to some degree turned into open or concealed enmity. I find that it weighs down on me and makes me weary to keep track of the perceived wrongdoings and insults. It has also to some degree turned into an unwanted bitterness on my part that I do not at all care for.

So today I am going to clean the slate by unilaterally forgiving those I feel have wronged me - or someone I love - intentionally or through carelessness, so that I thereby in time can forget the perceived insults and abuses. I am also asking those whom I know feel that I have wronged them for forgiveness. I am going to unblock all those that have previously been blocked from Instant Messaging me in-world or from entering my home sim or on social media sites.

I know that this action will most likely be labeled as "drama" by some, but I don't care one iota because I am doing it for my own sake not anyone else's. My forgiveness is in no manner dependent on the their willingness to forgive me.

As I do not believe a sweeping apology is enough I am going to name each and every one of those I believe deserve my forgiveness and whose forgiveness I need for my words and actions in the past. I will not go into my reasons for feeling hurt by those named, except in one particular case.

I forgive you, Ars Northmead, for dying and leaving me alone and heartbroken for such a long time. I also ask your forgiveness for resenting you for something you could not help. You know I love you, babe, and I know you loved me. Forgiving you was and is always easy.

I forgive you, Andrey Messmer (a. k. a. D R E Y Messmer), and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, Martial Eisenhart, and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, Butch Horton, and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, Vanadis Falconer, and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, Sjöfn Stoneshield, and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, Kynlif Leikfang, and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, Loo Berensohn, and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, PetGirl Bergman (a.k.a. Tina Dahl), and ask for your forgiveness.

I forgive you, Alessia Kranfel (a.k.a. Vesper Kling and Mera Kranfel) and ask for your forgiveness.

Lastly I forgive myself.
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The deed is done and now the rest of my life can start afresh. It is a big relief!