9/11 - The 20th Anniversary

"I had just been released from hospital the day before and was still on sick leave. My father called me on the phone and told me to turn on the TV at once because there was something going on in America. Swedish television was broadcasting live.

Just a few seconds after I had turned on the TV-set - and before I understood what was going on - the television screen showed a passenger airplane flying suspiciously low close to the tower that had been hit first. Then I saw the plane steering right into the second tower, flames erupting around the hole that had been caused in the structure halfway up on the building.

I was baffled, shocked, sad, angry, and frightened. After seeing that I remained in front of the television all that day and well into the night to follow the news. There were many speculations concerning the number of casualties, so once the true numbers were released, I was strangely relieved that they were much lower than the initial speculations. 

2,977 people died in the attacks (and 19 hijackers committed murder–suicide), and more than 6,000 others were wounded, it's a scary thought that I could feel relief at such a high toll.

In my mind's timeline there will always be a before or after 9/11, Everything changed, or at least my outlook on everything changed."

(The above has previously been posted in 9/11 - In Memoriam.)

---

We must also always remember that the terrorists are an extremely small minority in any community, religious group, or society. In the words of the American president Barack Obama, "We don’t differentiate between them and us. It’s just us."

Mamma Dies

At 22.24 CET tonight my mamma died.

I was with her when she took her last breath and she was aware that I was there. She was calm and in no pain. 

My darling mamma was always my most devoted supporter and defender. 

I am at a loss.

At Cape Dejerrity

Today, while I was waiting for my husband to log into SecondLife, I went for a walk around the home region and ended up at "Cape Dejerrity", which is what I call the hook of land where my late brother's parcel used to be.

The wind was howling and I felt alone while I reminisced about my obstinate, cantankerous, sentimental, loving and lovely brother. I miss him a lot and feel sad about his untimely death, especially the fact that he was all alone and probably frightened when he passed. 

sirhc DeSantis: "My Friend Stopped Running Today"

Lucien Maven, in first life a.k.a. Jeffrey Miller

When I came home from work and opened my email, at the very top there was a group notice sent out by my Sergeant in Arms and friend sirhc DeSantis McMillan titled "My friend stopped running today".

The sad title of sirhc's message was explained in another group message sent out just a few minutes earlier by his spouse Mrs. Vampi Twine McMillan McMillan (honorary) where she informed us that they had received the bad news that Lucien Maven had lost his battle against cancer and passed away today.

Lucien was a wonderful, warm, sweet and kindhearted man and a stunning DJ. He will truly be missed. I was very sorry to hear of his passing.

My warm condolences to his families and close friends in both his first and Second Life. 

Your battles are now over, dearest Lucien, rest in peace with the universe. We will remember you and celebrate you.

---
P.S. Later today I learned that sirhc was quoting from the British author Richard Adams' novel "Watership Down" (1972), where the character Hazel says, "My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today."

More Sad News

I hadn't been on Facebook for a couple of days and when I logged in today there were two sad messages waiting, from Asta and Ezzie, both informing me that Carl Paneer - in SecondLife better known as NakedCarl - had passed away on Sunday, September 16, 2018.

"NakedCarl" by Carl Paneer himself

In first life, Carl leaves behind a big family with a daughter, four sons and tons of grandchildren. By his side was also his best friend, the mother of his children.

Carl was a friend of mine and a fellow blogger. We used to join forces during the Second Pride festival each year. He was always more ambitious than I and tried his best to cover every event, I was more laid-back and covered the events I wanted to visit.

We were not close friends, but we had a good friendly relationship. Carl was a sweet soul who - although a bit quiet - always seemed to overflow with kindness and good humor towards everyone who came in contact with him.

I will always remember Carl with great fondness, and I will miss him very much.

Rest in the peace of the Universe, Carl.

News From Dej's Family

Today I received an email from Dej's first life brother Andy.

"Hi [Bock],

I heard from the medical examiner and it turns out that [Dej] had bacterial pneumonia. It was a very bad infection that he probably had for some time and it went untreated. We are all very surprised that he didn't reach out to anyone including a doctor or hospital since antibiotics would probably have saved his life. We shall never know why he chose this path. I am so very glad he had a good friend in you for all those years. He struggled to get along with people so you must have been very special to him. Thanks for your friendship with my brother [Dej].

Andy"

This is my response to Andy.

"Hello Andy,

Thank you so much for the update!

Mike had an ugly cough for a long time, but for some reason, he refused to see a doctor about it - despite much nagging from me. It is sad to realize that something so simple as a cure of antibiotics most likely would have saved his life.

I am sending you the words I shared at the memorial we had for [Dej] and two of the many hundreds of pictures [Dej] has shared with me over the years. Both the pictures are several years old (SL avatars look much better these days). The one called “Mother of the Bride” is one [Dej] sent me when I was getting partnered, while the one called “Dej at his downfall” shows him standing at a place on the sim were I used to accuse him of ditching his husbands and “all” his lovers (I put lots of skeletons in the waters below to represent the “tons, and tons of men laying there” – a gross exaggeration, but we had fun about it anyway.)

As long as I remain in SecondLife and have the sim, Dej’s downfall will always remain. Dej will also share a memorial on the sim with my former partner Ars, who like his brother [Dej] also died of - untreated - double pneumonia in 2010. (What is it with Americans and health care?) 

Dej was very dear to me and it was a pleasure to have been a part of his life.

Thanks again for the information, Andy.

All my best wishes to you and the rest of Mike’s family in [first] life,[Bock]"

The pictures I attached to the response were these two.

"Mother of the Bride" (March 8, 2014)

"Dej at his downfall"

For Dej

These were my words at the memorial gathering for Dej on Sunday.

Dej and I trying out the sits in a new couch

"It’s a sad occasion, but I am happy for those of you who could make it here today and hope that those who couldn’t will remember my brother Dejerrity Mycron in their own way.

Dej is gone, but the people we lose stay with us in the things we do and how we remember them.

I first remember meeting Dej when he – together with Jeb Nicholls - was hosting for my late husband Ars Northmead at some weekly event they had going for a year, or maybe even two years.

Quite frankly, my first impression wasn’t favorable. I thought Dej was a crude and overbearing bastard. He, on the other hand, thought I was a damned fool. Well, that only goes to show how very wrong first impressions can be sometimes.

I got to know Dej better when Ars passed away in 2010. To my own amazement, I discovered that underneath that rough exterior he was a kind, loving, smart and very gentle soul.

Dej was fiercely loyal and very protective towards me. In that time, he also made his home here at Southern Charm. His protectiveness made me feel safe in a time when I had lost my footing. In the years to come our friendship grew and we became closer. I discovered what a truly good man he was.

Although, as I am sure you all know, he had an awful temper and high defenses, we never really exchanged an unfriendly word. In time he let me come past his walls of protection and I got to know the entirely lovable man behind the rough exterior.

Dej was a man with many and diverse interests.

Did you know he was a secret Trekkie and had a childlike fascination with everything science fiction? He even built a wonderful and complex command station for the USS Enterprise over many years. It would fold out in various ways and had all kinds of instrumentation that I don’t know a thing about, not being a Trekkie myself.

Dej often boasted of having the largest collection of gay porn videography in the history of mankind, among them the complete “Centurians of Rome” , a classic from 1981.

On the other hand, he also had an extremely large collection of show tunes and often knew all the lyrics by heart. He would often sing them to me – and others who cared to listen in – with his beautiful tenor. But he never liked when I tried to sing along, I cannot understand why.

I was utterly shocked when I was reached by the news of Dej’s death and the circumstances surrounding it: he had died alone at the age of only 54 and that he hadn’t been discovered for up to a week after his passing. Add to that the facts that the cause and time of his death are still unknown. It saddened me deeply that I had lost a brother in that way.

Hopefully we will learn more about what caused his death and when he died after the investigations are completed. Dej’s brother in first life has promised to keep me apprised of the results. I can only hope he keeps his promise.

Dej is gone, and we remain to guard his memory and keep him in our hearts and minds. I will always remember him as my protective brother, with a weakness for singing show tunes to me to make me happy when I was sad, or even just to make me laugh.

I will always love you, Dej, and I will always remember you for the warm, caring and loving man that you were.

Rest in peace, my sweet brother."

Sad News

Today I learned that my beloved SecondLife-brother Dejerrity Mycron has passed away.

Dej was found in his apartment in New York today by his friend Danny. It is believed that Dej died sometimes between 3-7 days ago.

The cause of his death as well as the exact time have yet to be determined. As far as I know Dej didn't have any major health issues, but my brother sometimes withheld information he thought would worry me.

The man behind the avatar that was Dejerrity was 54 years old at his passing.

To be honest, Dej was not an easy man to love and did not love easily either, but I have loved him dearly since he supported me when my former husband Ars Northmead passed away in 2010. I know for certain that he loved me also.

Remember Dej!

A Tweet

Evidence collected over many years, obtained from many locations, indicates that the power of Prayer is insufficient to stop bullets from killing school children.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) February 16, 2018

Posted without comment

When the Fog Descends

It cannot be easy, when the once familiar landscapes that are your life and your memories are covered by a slowly descending fog. Who are you, when you lose your memories of events, people and your actions, your reactions, your feelings, your relationships and your position on the map?

I can understand the fear, the bewilderment and the panic, when you simply cannot remember what you did two days ago or what you said or talked about just a few minutes ago.

Still, it isn't easy to accompany someone on their journey to oblivion, when the fogs are descending and everything that was once important to both of you is being forgotten by them, bit by bit.

North Fork Fog by Lolly Shera

Everytime I visit with my mother these days our talks always start with her telling me how good of me to come, because it's all so terrible and I have to help her. "He" has left her, she tells me, and has moved in with another woman just across the market square from her apartment and "he" now wants a divorce. She is referring to my father who died in January last year after 64 years of marriage.

It is a familiar routine now, to remind her that my father has not left her but has died, that she actually was there when it happened. She then tells me, "Yes, now I remember. I saw through the window how they were trying to resuscitate him. I saw when he died." But then she continues, "Why does he want a divorce, we have always been happy..?" 

After talking it through for a while, she settles down and can talk about other things, mainly about me, my sister and her grandchildren. At least she still remembers us and our names, although most other people are forgotten as if they never have existed.

She has now been prescribed inhibiting drugs to slow down the progression of the dementia. My sister and I and my nephew and nieces all work during the week so we also have her on home care services five times a day, mainly to see to it that she eats properly and takes her medication in an orderly fashion.

Still, I feel a lot of guilt at not taking care of mother properly.

David Bowie Dies at 69

Singer David Bowie, one of the most influential musicians of his era, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 69.

A statement was issued on his social media accounts, saying he "died peacefully, surrounded by his family" after an "18-month battle with cancer".

The Summer of 2015, Part 2: The Struggle

I am a privileged man, born into and raised by warm, loving, caring and accepting parents who created a stable nuclear family with no major dysfunctions. I am socially, materially and financially comfortable with a job I love. I don't suffer from any health issues or conditions that incapacitate me or require lifelong treatment. I have never starved, never been abused and never beaten. What do I have to complain about?

The answer is obvious, nothing really because I am most certainly among the 5% of the world's population who are best off. So I am aware that there are billions upon billions who are worse off if we were comparing or in a suffering contest. But we aren't, are we?

Just writing this post makes me feel petulant, childish and prissy, so please bear with me. With all my fortunate situation, I have still not been happy this whole horrible year.

I hate death!

Death means someone I love leaves. And not only that they leave me. Being left makes me very angry. I have never learned how to relate to that in a good way.

So my father died in January and my mother went sort of crazy for a while after that. I haven't grieved my father's death properly yet. I haven't shed a tear yet, instead I have been sort of balancing and "coping". Whether this lack of reaction is due to my antidepressants or not, I cannot say.

The reaction I have had instead is fatigue and tenseness and being antisocial. I am so tense that I actually gnawed through two perfectly healthy teeth and a tooth implant in my sleep. Now it seems, I may have damaged another one despite the fact that I now have a tooth guard. The fatigue and anti-socialness leads to me withdrawing from the company of almost everyone, except those who are closest to me.

Although the worst bit seems to be over now, there is still a way to go. And I will make it, thanks to myself, my Tomais and my friends in first life and in SecondLife. 

Dear Bock: Love, Lust & Death?

Dear Bock,

It has come to my attention through posts made by "Sticky House Husband Brad" and your lovely reply, that you are a guru of the utmost guruness in matters of the heart.

I believe that I suffer from a lack of heart. You see, several of my potential husbands complied with my request to hold our wedding ceremonies directly beside a cemetery. Contrary to their hopes for a adventurous and sexually exciting evening, I ended their lives and conveniently buried them in the freshly dug graves. While those cemeteries were gorgeous, even in one instance fabulous, I believe my indifference and lack of heart brought me to seeking out body drops more for convenience than love for my potential husbands. Unlike the Grinch of Whoville, my heart does not grow 3 sizes bigger each time I look in their eyes, in fact, I'd wager it shrinks even smaller.

How can I grow my heart big enough so that when my next soon to be dead husband says "I do" I can look into his eyes while smiling because I will bury his body not out of convenience or indifference but because I will bury his body in a site befitting the beauty of his mind, body, and spirit?

Sincerely,
A heart aching to grow

Dear Ahatg,

You are one lucky devil because when I started this column I promised I myself that I would take every request at face value, so I must now accept your request for advice is sincere. Besides, my Editor-in-Chief vehemently insists that I must respond.

One possible way for you to "grow your heart" is to try and let all your unfortunate next husband(s) live for six months after the wedding(s) to give you time to move your deadly interest onto another potential husband. Another way would be to turn to the nearest police office and give them a full and unmitigated account of your doings, preferably also handing over the mementos you have stashed somewhere for your enjoyment and revelling.

However, which is obvious even for an untrained eye, you are most likely a sociopathic serial killer and sex murderer. Although I must commend you for wishing for a bigger heart, there is little or no likelihood of success.

Bock McMillan is a blogger, not a relationship expert, his weekly column "Dear Bock" should therefore merely be considered as his point of view on relationship matters. If you wish to get his reaction to a relationship question you have, you are welcome to send an email to lundamats@gmail.com. Remember to write "Dear Bock" in the subject line.

The 8th and 9th Days After

On Thursday I visited with dad one last time.

My father was laying in a casket, without the lid on, in a large chapel where all religious symbols had been removed. The sunlight was streaming in through the big windows, it was a unusually sunny day. Around the casket six large candles had been placed on safe distance so that one could walk between them and the coffin.

Someone had also put a red rose in his left hand. The right hand was covered, as the undertakers assistant told us, because it had been badly bruised and the bruises had torn when he had been stored in the freezer.

I was - thankfully - accompanied to this visit by my oldest niece, who is also a registered nurse.

My dad looked peaceful enough, but as if he had been in a fight at the end. The veins on his eyelids, closest to the lashes, were red and seemed to have burst. He also had two symmetrically placed bruises on his upper lip, which my niece informed me, was from when they had tried to resurrect him in the ambulance and at the hospital.

Dad was cold to the touch, as I felt when I held his hand and caressed his cheeks. One or two of the hairs in his left eyebrow were sticking out, which made me wish that I had brought a pair of small scissors along so I could have cut them. Instead I gently stroked them down and blended them with the rest of his left eyebrow.

Inside I was in complete and utter turmoil, my mind was moving fast through memories of dad from throughout my life. On the outside I must have appeared calm, a few small tears nothing more.

My father was a loving, caring and accepting father. He loved my mother, me and my siblings dearly and did everything he possibly could to protect us, save us and carry us. Dad also knew all my trigger points and was the only person who could - the few times that he wished to - drive me from calm serenity to a wild frenzy in 15 seconds flat, and then he would ask me calmly why I was so angry...

My niece and I only stayed about 20 minutes, not long at all considering. Outside the chapel we hugged and said a few words and then went each on our own way. She was going to pick up her kids from daycare, while I was going back to my mothers home.

---
Nine days after my father had passed away, on Friday, I suddenly realized one of the reason why I was in this strange state of feeling and thinking so much, but not expressing anything, as if I was cloaked in numbness over an uproar of torrential feelings. All was expressed in being much more tired and a slight irritability.

The reason was of course the antidepressants I have been on for 4,5 years now, since a couple of months after Ars died. 20 mg of Cipralex daily has an effect in the long run.

I felt terribly stupid for not having realized the connection earlier.

Dad Dies

I was at a conference in Stockholm today when I was reached by the sudden and unexpected news that my father had passed away.

Although dad was 84 years old, he had no known major health issues that could cause his death and he had all senses intact. However, his knees were worn out so that he had had difficulties lately with standing, rising and walking.

This morning he had been to the toilet and got stuck sitting there because he couldn't raise himself up, his legs would not carry him. The home helpers who were there couldn't help him either, so they called an ambulance for assistance in getting him off the toilet and into a  chair.

When the ambulancemen arrived and started helping him dad joked with them about the slightly embarrassing situation they found him in, which was rather typical of him.

As the ambulancemen started to help dad he suddenly went limp and pale. The ambulancemen noticed at once and put him on the floor to perform CPR. They managed to get his heart beating, but it stopped again while he was being transported to the ER. The staff at the hospital also managed to start it once more, but it stopped soon after that.
---

I am in a daze right now and sort of cut-off from my emotions. It all happened so out-of-the-blue. We have strong hearts in my paternal family and my father never had any sign of troubles with his heart.

My father leaves behind his loving family consisting of his wife of 65 years, a daughter and a son, grandchildren, great grandchildren, a sister and two brothers.

He will always be remembered for his love and care of his family, kindness and good sense of humor.
---

P.S. I thought that writing about this would provoke me to feel that it actually has happened and that I would finally be able to handle it in an appropriate way (which is sometimes the case), but no such luck. I still cannot fell anything at all...

Close to Home

Ever since I was reached by the news about Avacar Bluestar's passing I have, privately, been hoping that he and his partner Rico had been more prudent than my Ars and I were.

It is after all so extremely easy to take precautions to help your partner in SecondLife in case something unforeseen should happen, even if one is young and in good health. Unfortunately we seem all to be living in a dream that nothing bad will ever happen or that there is no tomorrow and thereby leave our loved ones future in the - less than certain - good will of our inheritors in first life.

As the passing of Avacar hit very close to home for me and have brought all the uneasy memories from almost five years ago to life again, I have not been able to bring myself to contact Rico directly. Even if I am now very happy again and very much in love with my new partner Tomais, the memories of those awful hours, days, weeks, months and years after Ars death are with me still. In particular the period when I was afraid of losing the home we had over  period of more than two years built together on the Southern Charm sim.

Ars had just died and I was grieving deeply for him and less than two weeks afterwards I was struck with the realization that the sim was solely in Ars' name (to avoid EU VAT) and I did not know what to do to get the sim transferred to me. I was afraid to lose it all and with it all the memories of Ars.

I blogged about it - of course - as that was my way of venting and letting off steam. These are the links to my posts as the events unfolded. (If and when you read them, please try to remember I was not completely sane at the time and more self-involved than ever before or after.)

1. Trying to deal with reality - March 26th
2. Trying to deal with reality II (updated) - March 20th
3. Trying to deal with reality III (glimpse of hope) - April 2nd
4. Trying to deal with reality IV - April 13th
5. Trying to deal with reality V (The conclusion) - April 19th

I will never forget the kindness of Belinda Linden and a few others at Linden Lab when they guided me through the process, however I do believe think it would have gotten the happy ending it did had it not been for the kindness and compassion of the Wilson family.
---

I can wholeheartedly sympathize with the agony that Rico is going through at this time. The sims mean nothing to Avacar's first life family - except possibly a hateful reminder of the true nature of their son - while it to Rico is a living memory of the work the two of them did for many years to build a meeting place for the LGBT community in SecondLife.

Please @ebbealtberg, @LindenLab try to find a way to #DotheRightThingforAvacar and transfer the GFW-sims to Rico. pic.twitter.com/WFy7zoi4Qj
— Bock McMillan (@BockMcMillan) January 16, 2015

R.I.P. Avacar Bluestar

This morning when I opened my email, I received the extremely sad news, in an offline group notice from SecondLife, that my friend Avacar Bluestar has passed away,

Avacar Bluestar

★ September 21, 2010 (SecondLife) - † November 14, 2014

Group Notice From: gay fun world, ricogenu

It brings me great sadness to tell you all this. But as of Friday the 14th  Avacar passed away in rl  dued to complications from heart surgery.  He will be missed by all and even more so by me.  I have shared 2 and half years with this man in sl. I came to know him in RL over the years. I thank you all very much
                                   Ricogenu"

My thoughts and deepest sympathy go to Ricogenu, Avacar's longtime partner in SecondLife, and to Avacar's families and friends in both lives.

Rest in peace, Avacar, with the certain knowledge that you were loved by many in both our worlds.

You Know You Are Getting Old When...

...the heroes and idols of your childhood start passing away.

Brasse Brännström, 69, died yesterday.

I think Brasse was one of the first men I ever loved, aside from my father. Oh, I must also mention the American actor William Kirby Cullen, whom I fell in love with as Josh Macahan in the TV series "How the West Was Won". Everyone else talked about Luke Macahan (played by Bruce Boxleitner), but for me there was only Josh.

Brasse became known to - and loved by - almost every now living Swede over the age of 30, when he co-hosted a Swedish TV-series for children named "Five ants are more than four elephants" where he played a sweet, funny and rather insecure character who always wore a silly leather hat.

Rest in peace, Brasse!

This was the intro to "Five ants are more than four elephants".

Fred Phelps is Dead

Fred Phelps, the founder and head of the Westboro Baptist Church until his excommunication in 2013, died shortly after midnight today.

Fred and his church are mostly known for hating "fags" and picketing funerals of soldiers and LGBT men and women. They first rose to notoriety for picketing the funeral of Matthew Shepard, a young American man who was tortured and murdered in October 1998, simply for being gay.

I will neither grieve this vicious and hateful man's death, nor will I picket his funeral. Fred will very soon be forgotten while the memory of Matthew will shine on.

Nelson Mandela, 1918 - 2013

"During my lifetime, I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people. I have fought against white domination and against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic, free society in which all persons live together in harmony with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die." Nelson Mandela speaking on April 20, 1964, at the closing of the Rivonia Trial after which he was sentenced to life imprisonment. The picture was taken in 1990 on the day after he was set free after 27 years in prison.

Rest in peace, my hero!