The Flags Are Raised

Little by little and with surprisingly few differences of opinion my buddy Butch Diavolo, brilliant builder and sublime interior decorator, and I are getting things in order at my new mansion.

Today there was a special moment when we raised the three flags again that have always blown over Southern Charm since Ars and I moved in on the sim.

The Redecoration Project

When Ars and I moved in at Southern Charm, just before or after New Years Day 2007/2008 (I cannot remember at the moment), we were in a hurry to get settled in before my vacation ended and the clubs in SecondLife, with whom Ars worked both as a DJ and as a manager for The Sarco Sound Group, started getting busy again after the holidays.

We rented the house and 12,000 sqm (two parcels) because we had both fallen in love with the house sitting over the beautiful waterfall. The house was a part of the deal and the landowner expressly preferred that we kept it a it was. The house is a prefab from one of the biggest suppliers of such homes in SecondLife.

Ars and I did the interior decorating of the second floor and the kitchen and bathroom on the ground floor  ourselves. When we realized that we were running out of time and would not be ablé to get the living room area ready we discussed it and decided to get the readymade package of furniture for that room from the supplier. It was an interesting moment and a new experience for me when i suddenly found myself sitting in front of my computer controlling all the prearranged furniture with my cursor. I was told by Ars not to let go before we had it in the right place because if i did we would have to arrange every individual ugly item ourselves. Luckily I made it without problems (not counting a very high pulse rate) and I believe Ars was really proud of me, for the very first time.

This arrangement was meant to be a temporary measure that we would take care of at the first convenient moment ourselves. Alas that time never came. I detested the living room furniture from the start, and I believe Ars did so too.

When I the other day realized how much I hated it I finally decided to take action. I decided what to do and considered the possible options carefully. When I had thought everything through I contacted my buddy Butch Diavolo, who is an excellent interior decorator.

We discussed the matter and he agreed to help me. We also decided that the first thing he should do was see if he could find a better house that would fit on the top of hill over the water falls. A house that I could have full rights over, as the present one is still owned by the former landlady (who has since left SecondLife) which means I am not able to change anything about it..

If he could not find a good enough house we would settle for redecorating the living room and the adjacent reading room. Butch would, with his expertise and exquisite taste, tell me what to buy and in what quantity whereafter I would rez them in the house for him to move them around. If we needed to do anything about the house itself we would find some suitable workaround ( I have been thinking of Potemkin villages a lot lately). We will cross those bridges when we come to them.

It was with great joy I set about deleting all the shitty stuff in the living room and reading room. The rooms looked much better when the furniture was gone, even if they were empty.

The Second Pride Memorial Chapel

This evening I made a visit to the interdenominational memorial chapel at Second Pride.

It is an extraordinarily beautiful building placed close to the waters and is surrounded by trees. The wonderful place is unexpectedly calm and serene, considering how busy the rest of the three sims are.

At the back of the chapel there are two small tables, one in each corner, with candles that can be lit for a lost friend or loved one.

I was very pleased to notice that there were three candles already lit for my Ars and I lit a fourth. It also made me happy to see that Kris Mounier was still loved and remembered by someone, Ars always had a great deal of affection for that kind man.

How Could I Forget?

A few months before I rezzed into SecondLife in March of 2007 I had broken off a three year long affair with a married man in first life.

I have never seen it as my responsibility to decide or influence how other people lead their lives or how they handle their other relationships, neither do I wish to pass any moral judgement on their attitude towards extramarital affairs. The only person whos actions I can judge and wish to influence are my own. In my own relationships I have not accepted anything except total commitment, trust and loyalty. Infidelity is never an option.

The first life affair left me totally drained of all self-respect and confidence in myself. Of course I accept that a person who is involved with someone and/or has a family must give them the highest priority, that goes without saying. However, even with that knowledge it doesn't mean that I must be the one they have their fling with.

It took a lot of time and effort on Ars' part to rebuild me from what I had become during that affair. I cannot understand how I suddenly forgot the lesson learned and was prepared to throw it all away just because of my sexual desperation.

Today I sent a message to the man I have been chatting and planning a date with on a Swedish cruising site, that I am no longer interested in meeting him for a sexual encounter but that I would like to continue our friendship.

On "The Boys are Back in Town"

The Boys are Back in Town from Tremendum Pictures on Vimeo.

A post on Ziggy's blog yesterday (Ziggy On The Edge Of Second Life: "The Boys are Back in Town" (url)) reminded me of the discussions my Ars and I used to have at irregular intervals about our son Guyke and his SecondLife love life. Our son's love life was always a major concern for Ars,

"When is the kid finally going to settle down? Why can't he just stick with the great guys he has found?", he would ask me worriedly. This was after Guyke had in close succession been in long-lasting relationships with two men - who had both been to Ars and my liking - and had suddenly broken the relationships off. "He brings along new men and expects us to befriend them and love them and take them into our family and then ends it all for some mysterious reason. I am not having this anymore, babe, the next guy he brings along we will not allow into the land-group until we really know it will last!"

"Kiddo is still young, babe, and we may know a lot of what is going on between him and his men but I am sure we don't know everything. Besides it's his love life, we cannot choose whom he should love, now can we?", I used to say to try and calm him down. "And remember, babe, he is good at picking up easily likable  men - well except for (name withheld, an avatar whom Ars never trusted or liked.)"

"Don't be a damned fool, Bock, of course it is his love life and he gets to choose, I am just hoping that he at some point will stick with his choice, just like we have, and not keep looking for greener grass somewhere else."

"I love you too, babe! Like all parents I think we just have to go along for the ride and try to be there for him when things go awry. I am sure he will settle at some point."

"Yeah, but we will still not let any of his new guys into our group until we decide so ourselves, not because he wants us too"

"Of course not, Ars, it is our group and we decide whom we let in or not!"

Ars, Guyke & I

When Ars and I got together late in 2007 he made it completely clear to me that he and his SecondLife son Guyke came as a package deal. If I wanted to be with Ars, I would have to accept Guyke as part of the family. Ars was careful to explain to me that the two had been lovers for a time, but that the relationship and love between them had - over time - grown into one of father and son instead.

However much I was in love with Ars his request was something I needed to think carefully about. I am not the kind of man who enters into commitments easily just to regret, renege or try to renegotiate at a later date. If I was going to enter into this relationship I wanted to think about it and know what I was agreeing to. I had to have some time to think and Ars would have some questions to answer. Ars patiently answered all my questions and gave me the space and time I needed.

When I had gotten all the answers and assurances I needed from Ars I told him that I was willing to accept Guyke as his son and a member of our family. Until this point in my SecondLife existence the concept of families in-world had been bewildering to me.

At first Guyke and I were quite cautious in our dealings with each other, but as we got the spoken or silent reassurances we needed from the other we grew to love each other. I actually at times feel like a stepfather to him. Guyke is extremely easy to love - when he wants to. He is an extremely charming and considerate man with a great capacity for love. Of course, like all children, he can also be a completely impossible and insolent brat, but that passes quickly and I have learned how to handle it.

Neither Ars nor Guyke ever gave me reason to regret my decision.

I do believe, as I told Guyke, that Ars would have been very happy and more than a little surprised to know that we still get along and are a family more than three years after he had left us and was not here to mediate between his pigheaded son - all inherited from his father - and me. In my opinion that's is the best proof of the love the two of us have for each other.

When I met with Guyke in-world today it was the first time in a long time. Guyke has been busy with his first lime and the new love he has found there. I haven't been as regular in-world either so we have missed connecting accept for a few offline messages.

As Guyke tells me, "he doesn't do mails" except for extremely short messages or report

We met over by the barn at Southern Charm, as I was there setting up the the new furniture I bought at Post today. When I had finished doing that - and we had admired the result sufficiently - we sat down to talk while my bulldog Bilbo snoozed in his basket.

Before we could talk about more important stuff we had to get the question of our disagreement on the pressing subject of Ziggy's new blond hairdo out of the way. 

Guyke asked me if I honestly thought that Ziggy looked good in the new hairdo, because he did not like it one bit. I told Guyke that although I might think that Ziggy was more of a brunette personalty, I actually loved the new blond hair. Guyke then accused me of having lousy taste, to which I answered that I have impeccable taste but perhaps very personal. I also told him that I found it easy to accept and forgive the whims and caprices of my friends and that if Ziggy loved his new hair, then so did I.

After that was settled we could move on to other topics.

Guyke started out with asking if we could be serious. I assured him that I would be.

My son then reminded me that Ars had loved me dearly and would have wished me to be well. For this reason - if nothing else - I should focus on my real life and to make the necessary changes to get better. He wished me to promise him that I would really to that and that I would give priority to my real life..

I told Guyke that I would give him the same promise that I had given to my boss, that I would do my utmost to make the necessary changes in my life with the end goal of improving my physical health. I went on to say that I felt that I could make the necessary changes in my first life while keeping up my SecondLife.

Guyke then accused me of not listening - and told me I never listened to him - and wanted me to admit to having a real life and not a first life.

I told my son that I had actually listened very carefully to what he had said, but that did not mean that I had to accept his premise that SecondLife was in someway unreal. I went on to tell him that what mattered most to me in any of my lives were people and my relationships with them. In my opinion people were not less real in SecondLife than they were in first life, so I refused - and would continue to refuse - to use that expression because I believed it to be untrue for me.

My son got cross with me over this philosophical quibble and told me he was disappointed in me. He also refused to hug me when he had to leave for bed because he was so upset.

I was sorry that Guyke left in a bad mood and without our usual hug. I did not understand how we had ended up in that linguistic and philosophical debate on whether one of the lives is more real than the other. I love my stepson dearly, sometimes I do not think he fully understands to what extent, I also know that he loves me.

I do understand that Guyke is concerned about my health and that he wishes me all the best. Indeed I am grateful for him for expressing his worries and it makes me love him even more. I know we will get over this stupid argument and I want to assure him that I am going to do my very best to keep my promises to him, my boss and myself concerning the changes I need to make in my life to improve my health.

In Loving Memory

Joseph Douglas Wilson Jr. 
★ April 21, 1953
† March 12, 2010

Ars Northmead

★ October 25, 2006
† March 12, 2010

Home Again

Today I ventured back into SecondLife again, for my first longer stay in a little while.

After first visiting with my Ars at Mirromere, I checked out Southern Charm to make sure everything was well. I needn't have worried of course, Dej had taken good care of the place and all of the animals were well fed and the plants that needed watering had been watered. Everything was as it should be. As I told Butch, it felt like coming home again.

My Lovely Ars

Ars Northmead (October 25, 2006 - March 12, 2010)

in first life also known as

J.D. "Doug" Wilson (April 21, 1953 - March 12, 2010)

in loving memory

For Christmas 2009 I gave my closest family members photo sessions with the renowned photographer Kent Hutchinson of KH Photography. 

Ars was the first to make an appointment with Kent and have his pictures taken. About a week later Kent invited us back to the studio to look at the proofs and to select which four pictures we wanted out of the 20 that were on display there. 

Ars, Millimina and I went to the studio together, I had butterflies in my stomach and was nervous that Ars would be disappointed with the results. I needn't have worried. Kent had done a splendid job in capturing the essence of my lovely Ars. After taking only one look at them all, I told Kent that we wanted all of them. Every single one.

Although Ars and I had been together for two years at the time and I loved him deeply, seeing the pictures - especially the one I am using in this post - made me fall in love with him all over again.

Coming Together

Yesterday I had invited a small and carefully selected group of family and friends to join me at Southern Charm to commemorate the third anniversary of Ars' passing. The real day is tomorrow, March 12, but as you all know it is usually easier for people to make time during the weekends.

Dej, Millimina, I, Shayne & Sarco

Those invited were
Guyke Lundquist, Ars' son,
Dej Mycron, Ars' brother,
Andrey Messmer (nowadays known as Drey Porchers), Ars' brother,
Jeb Nicholls, Ars' brother,
Shayne Turbo, Ars' brother in-law and husband of Jeb
Millimina Salamander, Ars' sister in-law and my sister, and last but not least,
Sarco Halderman, Ars' business partner and both our friend.

Sarco, Guyke & I

I was so fortunate that all except two could attend despite it being held on the day that the United States started Daylight Saving Time and the fact that Sarco had to get up at six o'clock on a Monday morning. Jeb unfortunately had a prior engagement and Drey could sadly not be reached.

The six of us who could make it had a nice time together,  exchanging memories of Ars and catching up with what had been going on in the others first and second lives.

What's Going On?

My blogging has been a bit irregular lately, for which I ask your pardon.

The image above is a true reflection of the state of my thought patterns at the moment. I am trying to get to grips with it.

It is easy for me to accept certain facts and to make a decision of "letting go" and "moving on", but when I try to break it down into actions that need to be taken or what course I wish to take out of my present predicament my brain simply shuts down and starts to produce beautiful and erratic confusion.

Since my Ars died I have made myself into a mausoleum for his memory, I realize that, but how do I change that? I have become so used to being the planet around his sun and reflecting the light that shone from him. Where do I find my new light source and how do I create my new universe?

A Swedish comedian said "Life is like a paper bag, empty and devoid of meaning if you don't fill it with something." So the question remains, what do I fill it with when I remove, or move from the center to the periphery or diminish what Ars has been in my life?

At the same time as all this is going on, I am also worrying about friends around me who have landed in real messes with their health and other first life issues compared to which my self absorption seems extremely petty and petulant.

A Note Card From Dej

Yesterday I had an offline message from my brother in-law Dejerrity Mycron in my e-mail, saying that he had something important he wanted to talk with me about. Knowing me as well as he does, he also added that it was nothing urgent or bad.

When I logged in we met and talked a little. During the conversation he brought up the subject of the upcoming third anniversary of Ars' passing. I had already been thinking about that so we were on the same page. We both agreed that a casual get-together of Ars' immediate family and friends on Sunday March 10 would be the best. Weekends are better because it alleviates some of the hassle with coordinating the the timezone differences between Australia, Europe and America. The time was to be settled after I had spoken with Sarco to see what would work for him.

After settling that business, Dej told me that he had been in the middle of writing me a note card to clarify the important matter he wanted to talk with me about as a basis for our talk, but he gave me no clue as to what the subject was going to be. He also told me to remember that he loved me when I was reading the note card.

With growing anticipation, but no major worries, I left him to finish the note card and went to Oliver Elton's Valentine Show.

At Oliver's show was approaching the end, I received Dej´s note card and started reading it.

It was one of the most intensely personal and deeply moving messages I have ever received, in any of my lives. The message was loving, caring and extremely considerate. It had me in tears from start to finish.

I will never share the bulk of it with anyone, but this is an excerpt from the end of the note card that also shows the essentials of what Dej wanted to convey to me.

"... . But grief has to end, and we cannot torture ourselves all of our lives. We're all human, and all humans die.

We lost Ars almost 3 years ago. Some days I see you sitting all alone at his memorial and that makes me so sad. Ars would want you to move on, and 3 years of grief is enough for anyone. I suggested a remembrance service next month because I think you need to say a last goodbye. (***) isn't coming back, neither is Ars. You need to move on with your life, you have so much love to share. 

You have to let him go, and no matter what you say, you haven't done that yet. And I say this from experience, that's why I wrote all I did above. I know how much you loved him. I understand the pain because I went through it 6 years ago. And you know I loved Ars too. But it's time to let him go, Bock. You have to say goodbye. 

I know this is not what anyone wants to hear, but I write this with love and the best of intentions. We'll always remember them, but we have to let them go."

Unlike the previous time two years ago when a stupid "shieldmaiden" (who did not know me or care for me and whom I despised intensely) blurted out on her blog that it was time for me to let go and move on, this came from someone I love and trust, someone who I know loves me back and someone who also knew and loved Ars.

I knew I had to come to grips with what Dej was asking me to do. The subject was not something I had not thought about, but you must understand that for two and a half of my first three years in SecondLife my Ars had been the absolute center of my universe, in both lives.

When we discussed his message to me, I told Dej that I was grateful to him for writing me the note card. for sharing his experiences and that I had remember that he loved me while I was reading it.

I saidj, "I have always needed 'separation time', unlike others I cannot go from one to the next, it makes me confused."
Dej said "Babe, the whole point of my note....it's been 3 years now. We have to move on"
I agreed and said, "Yes, but that doesn't mean we throw ourselves at the first possible option that arrives. And I KNOW you don´t mean that."
Dej answered, "True enough. I just want you to be happy"
To which I answered, "I would say I am happy now, sweetie, happier than in a very long time. I am just going to enjoy life and see what happens."
Dej told me sternly, "No. We make things happen, with our choices and our regrets and mostly with our hopes.  Seize the moment, throw caution to the wind and take a chance that your heart could be broken again. (...) Because sometimes, things work out.  But you'll never know if you don't try :) It's ok to fall in love again."

I am still thinking about what Dej wrote and said. I realize that what he told me is true, but I am still not sure if I am ready to fall in love again. It gives me some food for thought.

Redheads

Ever since I was a very young boy I have had a special attraction to redheads. Any and every shade of red would fascinate and enthrall me, from ash blonde over carrot, copper, brick to dark chestnut. Preferably in combination with as many freckles as possible and green eyes.

Marc Goldfinger (model)

I can still remember when I was a boy of four in a country far, far away how I used to admire a Swedish girl with carrot red hair, loads of freckles and green eyes. Her name was Ann and she did not appreciate my admiration, so she used to kick my ass around regularly or slap me stupid if I said anything. She was two years older than I so it was an easy match for her. This abuse continued even after I got stronger than her, because I would never lift a hand against her, until our ways separated when she moved back to Sweden with her family when I was eleven.

Even after that I have almost always had a redhead - more or less - close to me in someway, except for the last few years.

Blu Kennedy, gay ex-porn actor with a cute smile,
awesome legs and other fine assets

My last (latest?) redhead so far is a man I used to meet purely for sex over a period of six or seven years. He was living with a woman - or so he claimed - and was extremely secretive about everything about himself, although he knew everything about me as I am sort of semi-well known in my local community and occur with irregular intervals in the press and other media in connection with my work. (P.S. Well, I was too harsh there. It was actually not only for sex, there was more. But whatever that was he never dared meet me outside my apartment for fear of being seen by someone who knew him.)

I broke it off with the guy when I got serious with my Ars, partly because of Ars but to a great part also because the imbalance in our relationship made me sick. He would contact me or come around to my home whenever he felt like it and expect me to happily greet him and be ready for a quickie or something longer depending on his schedule, while I did not have the same benefits. He still sends me messages on a Swedish gay news and cruising site and tells me he wants to meet, but I am not in the mood for anymore of him - not yet at least and never if we do not change the balance.

At Mirromere

The beautiful Calas Galadhon Park sims are closed for a month due to remodeling, but as a member of the land-group I still have access. It was extremely lucky for me because I needed to be at Mirromere today. Although I have a part of the memorial for Ars erected on the home sim, the memorial spot at Mirromere is still the place I go to when I feel the need to be closer to him. Ty Tenk and Truck Meredith have promised to keep me informed of any major changes that may be necessary.

After spending some time there I was calm again and realized that, no matter what, I would always trust in what my Ars and I had and what he had told me.

Seasonal Chores

The time has come to prepare for the traditional - well for those of us belonging to the Western European and Judeo-Christian culture - seasonal celebrations. As an atheist Swede, who was  born into our secular lutheran church, I am of course referring to Christmas and New Year.

For Ars, as for many other Americans, decorating - or even over-decorating - for the any of the holidays was a cherished obligation. He used to go completely bonkers and we had colored lights, poinsettias, christmas trees etc, etc, all over the place. I am more low-key, much more.

One of the things I do like to do however is sending out greetings to friends and family, even those I haven't been in touch with for months or even years. I still love them and think of them its just complacency, life and other obligations that has caused a - temporary - breach in the daily or at least regular contact.

Another thing I like is having a get-together before people get immersed in their first life families and obligations. This year I had delegated to - or rather pressured - Millimina and Guyke to handle the party, alas they could not get their scheduled synchronized so the party will have to be in the New Year instead, which is fine by me too because a party when people get back to SecondLife is just as good.

Well, to come to the point, yesterday I went to Calas Galadhon (I always go there) to take pictures for my card. I had a great time with myself and the camera in the Firestorm viewer.

Millimina´s 4th Rezday

Believe it or not, but today is actually the fourth rezday of my wonderful younger sister Millimina Salamander. She rezzed into SecondLife on December 6, 2008. 

I am not quite sure when we met, but I know where it was. I was at a Bara Jonson gig when I suddenly got an instant message from an unknown woman. It was in Swedish so I understood she had read my profile. I cannot remember what she said or what we talked about, but I knew that I was in love, platonically of course because I had Ars waiting for me at home. 

Millimina by Kent Hutchinson (KH Photography)

After that day we have talked, cried, laughed and hugged constantly and I hope we will do so for many, many years to come still.

When I am old and Millimina is still ageless we have agreed that we will settle down together in a a villa in Tuscany, Italy. I have promised Millimina that she will have her own private chauffeur, a younger man of portuguese origin with a past as a professional football player. (And I mean real football, what the Americans call soccer.)

Grow old along with me!

The best is yet to be,

The last of life, for which the first was made.

Robert Browning (1812-1889)

Happy rezday my darling Millimina, love you always!

Sunday Dinner

This evening I was invited over to my son and son in-law for Sunday dinner. I don´t worry too much about the fact that I had to twist their arms and play the guilt card to get the invitation, they made me feel like an honored guest anyway.

Ziggy had been at it all day, cooking for the dinner, getting the house cleaned and decorating it for the season. Guyke, like his dad, loves the seasonal decorations and goes crazy every holiday to get all the stuff out.

The place looked wonderful of course, even if one of the scullery maids had not quite finished in time and was still at it trying to get a stain out of the carpet in the living room. The food was delicious, the wine was excellent and the company courteous, but best of all was that Ziggy was on voice and sounded marvelously manly and lovely. Even with his quaint Canadian "out". I always thought that was a silly American joke, but now I know its true - they really do say it that special way.)

The only strange thing that happened was when Guyke suddenly left us to go drain the potatoes, he had not done a single thing earlier - the little jewish princess - so I was really amazed that he took upon himself to do this chore. After a few minutes he returned without any potatoes and looked very relieved and happy. For some reason or other I was unnaturally shy and could not bring myself to ask what he had actually done with the potatoes, although I at that time had started yearning for their arrival.

All in all, it was a nice evening and the boys are sweet together, so I am happy. The fact that I love them both separately and that they get along so well as a couple is reassuring to me. If I should one day no longer be there, Guyke will be well cared for by his loving hubby. Ars will rest in peace and I will be happy.

Five Years Ago

First kiss in public

Second kiss in public

These two pictures were taken on this day five years ago by our (then) friend Evander Milena. They were taken at the Sarco Sound Grounds (SSG to those of us who used it) at the Ninth Wave Island-sim.

They show Ars and mine two first kisses in public, or rather in front of our friends. I was the one who insisted on two pictures because of the stupid girly-pose. Today I wouldn't have minded at all.

As you can see, already at that time I had my penchant for cargo pants in SecondLife...

Eddi Strikes Again

My friend Eddi Haskell is rummaging through his vast inventories on various social forums and has struck gold!

Clip description: Photographer Eddi Haskell and his partner Jago Constantine celebrated their first anniversary on November 20, 2009 at Eddi's Gallery in Second Life. Eddi was showing his photography of the new virtual world of Blue Mars at the time. This video by Cuno Fluno shows some really hot people dancing to the music of Ars Northmead while celebrating Eddi and Jago's anniversary.

I remember going to that party with Ars, we had a great time. The video must have been shot after I left for bed (darn time zones). While I was watching it I suddenly realised that I was hoping to hear Ars speak or laugh, but alas no such luck - not this time.

With Ars and Butch

Today I visited with Ars at the Mirromere memorial site. Mirromere is one of the beautiful Calas Galadhon Park sims, owned and operated by partners Ty Tenk and Truck Meredith. I fell in love with the place when it hosted Ars memorial and have come back regularly ever since.

Today I invited my friend Butch Diavolo to join me there, because we needed to catch up on some things that had been going on in his first life, I had heard the first part earlier and wanted to get an update on recent events.

Butch came almost directly from a wedding where he had been the best man. He looked smashing and very stylish, except for the fact that he had taken the time to stop in at home and take off his shoes and socks before joining me. Well, he had washed his feet for the wedding so that was a small blessing.

We had a good talk and I was happy that things were looking promising although Butch convinced me that we should be patient and not take anything for granted yet. That man has a good, sensible  head on his broad shoulders.